Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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