i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
