In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
