He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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