thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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