True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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