allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
