dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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