its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
