I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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