I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
