I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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