Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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