I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
