i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
