Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
