He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
