a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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