I could make wine with my vomit
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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