If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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