the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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