He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
