When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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