So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
