I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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