I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
