I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
