"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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