Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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