take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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