apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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