Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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