do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
