new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
