I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
