so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize