Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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