tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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