there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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