Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
love makes seman taste better
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
