I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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