I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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