When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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