I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
