The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
