I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
