I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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