i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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