I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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