Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
