Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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