So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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