drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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