If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
