can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
