I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize